Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers 2 Review - Spoilers and Anger inside

I went to see Transformers 2 last night. I must state that this post will have spoilers. And anger. And let me say that I enjoyed the first movie. I was looking forward to this movie.

So the movie starts out by telling us that the Autobots have teamed up with the US Military to hunt down and destroy Decepticons because they are looking for something. So they airlift Optimus into China to beat up in a Decepticon (I have no idea if they named it or not) and it was hard to tell what was going on in the fight since everything looked like metal moving around with the camera a little too close at times.

And then we find Spike/Sam is about to leave for college. He's talking to Megan Fox and talking about him giving her his torn up sweatshirt from the first movie when a shard of the Allspark falls out of it... BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT WHO IS HELL BENT ON KEEPING THE CYBERTRONIANS A SECRET DIDN'T CHECK THE KID WHO JUST DEFEATED MEGATRON WITH A METAL BOX. Nope. He deactivated Megatron and they said good job, here's a pat on the back and head on home. We'll help your family pay for stuff and let you keep an alien car in your garage, but we won't check you for other instances of alien technology.

But I digress. So Spike/Sam goes to pick up the shard and it either shocks him or burns him and he drops it and it burns through the floor and the table and the floor and makes all the appliances in the house go crazy.....BECAUSE THE KID HAD CARRIED THE ALLSPARK AROUND THE GODDAMN CITY AND IT NEVER HURT HIM, BUT NOW THIS LITTLE PIECE HURTS HIM. Not to mention how the Allspark fucking made a shard.

Again, I digress. So he gives the shard to Megan Fox (so we have have more reasons to see her sweaty and in skimpy clothes) and she locks it in her safe. Yep. Let's not turn that piece of alien artifact over to the military so that Decepticons don't come and try to rape me, instead my safe is going to protect it and my virtue. Well not my virtue as I lost that when I deflowered Spike/Sam.

Soundwave hacks a military satellite and eavesdrops on the most non secure conversation about top secret topics I think I could imagine. So he finds out where this other shard of the Allspark is located and also where Megatron is being kept. So he shoots Ravage down to the planet and he prances around for a bit before vomiting down an exhaust shaft and releasing a billion marbles that all roll out onto the floor where the shard is kept, and they all transform into tiny little Decepticons and then they all form up into on really flat robot (never named but maybe it was supposed to be rumble) who steals the shard and then the Destructicons take the shard down to Megatron and awaken him and he jumps out of the ocean and flies into space where he easily finds Starscream who has been breeding little Decepticons without the proper amount of Energon (was this the first mention of Energon in the movie franchise?). Megatron belittles Starscream and then goes and talks to his Master, The Fallen. Now in a franchise where everything is named...why is this character named for his status and not a real name. And the back story they give him later doesn't even say he had a different name (or if it did it was not clear) so wouldn't you assume that in a group of 7 guys that are working together, the one named The Fallen is going to do something that makes him, I dunno, fall out of favor with you? I mean if he joined the group and said "Hi, I'm The Fallen" I think I would just slit his throat and not worry about being betrayed later.

And yet again, I digress.

So the fallen tells us that only a Prime can defeat him, but because there is only one Prime left he doesn't bother to go down to try and help get the thing that will give them Energon.

While this is going on Spike/Sam has had a map downloaded into his brain that should be leading to this the key to allow access to the machine that will gather Energon. He starts going a little crazy, but there is one blonde girl that is all sorts of interested in him even though if this were me no woman would have talked to me after what she went through. Megan Fox flies from LA (with a Decepticon in a trunk that isn't flagged by airport security, go figure) to wherever vaguely veiled place Spike/Sam was going to school just in time to see Spike/Sam making out with this girl. Well it turns out she is a Decepticon....YES A DECEPTICON THAT CAN TRANSFORM INTO A HUMAN....BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY EASIER THAN TRYING TO TURN INTO A TANK OR A BUS OR A CAR OR A BOOMBOX. Then they would have, I dunno, been harder to detect. So hot terminator Decepticon tries to rape the mind of Spike/Sam because they have figured out that he downloaded this map from the Shard. WHY DIDN"T THIS MAP DOWNLOAD INTO HIM IN THE FIRST MOVIE?!?!?!? HE WAS HOLDING THE WHOLE ALLSPARK!

So female transforming terminator gets beaten by Megan Fox running a car into a big pot. Speaking of pot, Spike/Sam's mom getting fucked up on pot brownies was funny, but very unnecessary. So Spike/Sam and Megan Fox and the whiny roommate get captured and Megatron is going to remove Spike/Sam's brain and then they are rescued (without clear definition as to how the Autobots found them) and then Optimus (I think) fights like every Decepticon and ends up getting killed and then the rest of the Autobots show up. Why the other Autobots weren't with Optimus I will never figure out.

So Optimus is dead, Megatron and The Fallen declare that they want Spike/Sam's head and he goes into hiding. Then they go and track down this guy who runs a website that turns out to be the Section 7 commander (John Turturro) who then shows them classified stolen files that he conveniently had the opportunity to steal from Section 7 before he was fired. Then they go talk to the captured Decepticon that Megan Fox is carrying around who translates the symbols that Spike/Sam is seeing and that leads them to the Aerospace Museum where the shard of the AllSpark activates an Ancient Transformer that is disguised as a Blackbird who switched sides from Decepticons to Autobots but needs a cane to move around and is suffering from dementia. I'd love to know when he took the form of the Blackbird and when he was put into the Aerospace Museum because he would have had to be working at some point between 1964 and 1998 but he is acting like he is super old. Jetfire transports them to Egypt and then tells the story of the Matrix of Power and how The Fallen betrayed (SHOCKER!) the other Primes and they stole the Matrix of Power and hid it so he couldn't activate a giant machine that would destroy the Sun and convert it into Energon.

So we have Bumblebee, Mudflap, and Skidz and Megan Fox and annoying roommate, S7 guy and Spike/Sam in the desert trying to figure out the riddle that Jetfire left them with. So Spike/Sam figures it out and they head to the place that they think it leads to and then Skidz and Mudflap fight and break a way (conveniently) into the chamber where the Primes are hidden that conveniently had a whole building built around them. Spike/Sam lifts up the Matrix of Leadership and it disintegrates and then Spike/Sam scoops it up and puts it in a sock. Yep, a sock. I have no idea where the sock came from, but a sock.

In this process they have asked for the dead body of Optimus to be dropped off in the middle of the desert so that Spike/Sam can resurrect him and the NEST guys (the military branch that is working with the Autobots) go AWOL and get their command structure to back them without question. They then sit in the desert and wait for the Decepticons to attack or wait for Spike/Sam to show up to bring Optimus back to life. Then we get like 12 Decepticons that show up in the desert to blow stuff up and Spike/Sam and Megan Fox run 4 miles through the desert, run into Spike/Sam's kidnapped parents, tell his parents to get in Bumblebee and leave, but when Megan Fox wants to go with him he just gives up and they start running again. 5 minutes of fighting with his dad but 2 seconds with his girl. And then we get 22 minutes of Megan Fox running in slow motion with explosions going off around her. And Spike/Sam. But I wasn't paying attention to him. In fact I think the camera was actually centered on her so that we couldn't see him that much.

Devastator combines and starts eating stuff and one of the Skidz/Mudflap transformers ends up getting sucked up into his mouth and then he starts beating him up from the inside of his mouth. Then Devastator is climbing and destroying a pyramid that conveniently is built around the major Energon Sun destroying machine and John Turturro follows him up and calls in a Rail Gun strike on Devastator after we see 2 wrecking balls hanging on the underside of his body. Like a scrotum. In fact John Turturro points this fact out. WHY WERE THERE 2 WRECKING BALLS IN THE DESTRUCITCONS?!?!? Anyway, the rail gun fucks up Devastator and he falls apart.

Spike/Sam gets blown up and is lying on the ground while people are performing CPR and the Matrix of Socks is spilling all over him and then we see him talking to the other Primes and they bring him back and reform the Matrix and he stabs it into Optimus and Optimus wakes up. The Fallen then steals the Matrix from his chest and flies up to the top of the pyramid that Devastator was destroying and activates the machine with it. Then Jetfire comes down, kicks a little ass and then rips himself apart to allow Optimus to use his parts to become stronger. Optimus then gets to be a Jet Truck and he goes and beats the ball bearings out of The Fallen and Megatron and Starscream retreat and Optimus doesn't fly after them to kill them.

Then Optimus is standing on the deck of an Aircraft carrier with Spike/Sam and he says some things as narration about the history that the humans and the Transformers had and then the movie ended. And then we get little quick scenes of Spike/Sam back in classes and such.

So I must ask, why did they not use the rail gun to blow up the big machine that could destroy the sun? Why did Devastator have testicles? Why did the movie have no good ending? Why didn't Strascream shoot an injured Megatron in the back of the head and take control of the Decepticons?

All in all the movie felt like it was Michael Bay jerking off all over the screen for our money. Luckily I did not pay anything for the movie.

So if you have the option and aren't too heavily invested in the movie franchise, just skip this movie. You can spend that money on something much better.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What Diabolik did today....

The ramblings of Diabolik for the day...........
  • 14:07 The new camera works pretty well. Now to get me a tripod and I can do all sorts of nonsense!

Monday, June 8, 2009

What Diabolik did today....

The ramblings of Diabolik for the day...........
  • 04:50 Ordered a new video camera for myself and the shows....looks like it will be a good time...

Monday, June 1, 2009

What Diabolik did today....

The ramblings of Diabolik for the day...........
  • 10:57 Nice! Loudtwitter is working again. Just in time for Day 2 of Markcon II!
  • 00:24 So a day of Magic Drafting and painting has left me as tournament winner and accomplished. People are playing Puerto Rico right now.
  • 01:44 Markcon II for me is over. A ton of gaming, socializing and drinking. Markcon II is hitting the road and I hope everyone gets there safe.